After years of using Movable Type to mange my blog, I have decided to move to WordPress.  I should have migrated years ago however, it was considerably difficult to move my first blogging platform to Movable Type.   Why move now?  The decision to migrate to WordPress came down to a few things.  First, making custom changes to Movable Type just wasn’t simple enough.   It’s considerably easier to add a few lines of PHP code to files in WordPress.  Second, WordPress has lots of third-party plugins.  While there are a lot of cool plugins, large developer adoption is more important than the plugins themselves.  Last, it took 20 minutes to switch, including importing/exporting data from Movable Type.  I’m sure the merit of both platforms can be argued at length but I’ve been in technology long enough to know that if you want to create a robust platform,  keep it simple, make it easily extensible and move fast.

Okay so, short story long – I will be moving the deck chairs around a bit.   I will be re-releasing old entries and adding all the other content from my previous blog in the upcoming months.  Stay tuned.

This type of manual labor is tough without the right tools.  Batman has his tool belt, both useful and novel.  I have my iPhone, also both useful and novel.  Isn’t modern technology grand?  Technology has made things so convenient.   It use to be that if a lovely lady wasn’t awake at say 4:30 in the morning, I’d have to call her back later.  By which time, I’d have fallen asleep – like I said, it’s tough work.  Now, I can get all those memorable thoughts (note the word memorable, we will come back to that in a bit) of a tireless lover delivered with all the fulfillment of immediate gratification.  Mhmm, technology is amazing.  I don’t know how I would complete my mission without it. I wonder if Batman has an iPhone in his tool belt.

Right, so let’s stop the tape there.  Here’s the thing, my drunk texting/dialing is legendary. Oh yeah, it always seems like a good idea at the time.  I mean, of course!  No one regrets the decisions they make when they are drinking.  They only regret them when they are sober.  Alcohol is a fair weather friend like that.  Further, it works out great when I miss  a  number in my contact list by not just one number but by an entire portion of the alphabet and end up texting Pete a sweet rambling four page love note.  Yeah and the memorable part that I spoke about earlier, yup unlike me, Pete has a very good memory.  I’m constantly reminded of that.

While technology is amazing, it never ceases to amaze me that engineers are always tackling really far out nerdy complex problems rather than the simple everyday ones or in this case, every Friday and Saturday night ones.  Right now, there are a group of engineers working on a seventeen mile long atom smasher (Large Hadron Collider - see Wiki).  Really?  I mean why do we need a NASCAR track for atoms?  How the hell are they gonna use that to sweet talk chics?  Didn’t the nerds learn anything in high school?  Anyway, for the longest time, I’ve had what I thought was a pretty simple problem to solve.  Why doesn’t my cell phone come equipped with a Large Alcohol Content Collider?  My iPhone is a marvel of telecommunications but it sucks at drinking.  It’s bad enough it can’t hold down one beer without blacking out but worse than that, it’s not even a good DD (designated dialer).

So being a kind of pseudo engineer nerd type myself, I have developed the worlds first Large Alcohol Content Collider.  I call it Drunken Readiness Oral Opulence Lifesaver or DROOL for short.  It’s developed to withstand even the most persistent and relentless lover.  It’s easy to install and very effective against the late night lover(s) in your life.  Every girl needs one (or eventually will).  Give it to the lover and/or ex-lovers in your life.  As I have an iPhone and understand how compelling the App Store pricing model can be, I’m selling them for $1.99.  You simply can’t beat it.

See the all new DROOL below…

I dare confess that I’m watching Cesar’s show in hopes of solving some of China’s nasty little dog habits. Well for example, I hope there is an episode that teaches me how to train China to smell better. She often smells like a mixture of peanut butter and corn chips. Or, maybe there is an episode on how to teach China to stunt her toe nail growth. Stunting growth might be too much to ask. But surely, I can’t be the only one with a disobedient little ungrateful dog that refuses to fetch a beer. That CANNOT be too much to ask since I slave to buy all household goods including PREMIUM DOG FOOD!

One thing is clear, Cesar spends less time fixing broken dogs than I spend clipping my toe nails. In episode after episode, Cesar teaches people one domination tactic – how to walk their dog. Yup, how to walk the freaking dog! Buddy has agoraphobia, take him for a walk. Matilda has an issue with attacking skate board wheels – take her for a walk. Teddy, has a small problem with running in non-stop Winston Cup circles when he spots a moving vehicle (by the way, probably the stupidest thing I have ever seen someone let their dog get away with) – take him for a walk. Does your dog has a problem with killing squirrels, dominating other pets, or a ball fetish? Just take them dog for a walk.

Despite the repeated warnings during each episode that stated, “Do not attempt these techniques at home without consulting a professional,” I decided to fix China with a domination walk. I attached her doggy bath tub to her collar, along with a pair of toe nail clippers and a six pack of beer and I took her for a walk. At first, she seemed a bit weirded out by all the noise and sparks of the tin tub resurfacing the pavement but every time she looked back at it, I firmly yanked her chain just as Cesar recommended. The walk was tiring and eventually we both stopped and had a beer.  I think it was a capital K-9 success.

Last night, I watched another episode somewhat proud of what China had accomplished. I laughed as Maya, another disobedient dog, ate off the stove, dug in the flower bed, and nursed a kitten. Yes, someone’s pit bull mix was nursing a kitten. Yeah un-huh, probably more ridiculous than the NASCAR dog. But then it occurred to me that China now smelled like peanut butter, corn chips, and beer.  What’s more, our domination walk hadn’t done anything for her gas. In fact, I think it was worse.

I think Cesar may be a false prophet. He may be teaching the owners a lot but the dogs are just following their owners’ lead. This led me to wonder how long China had been eating peanut butter and corn chips sandwiches.  And now, thanks to Cesar, I have to share my beer. What kind of domination walk is going to cure that?

Dear Computer Manufacturer,

The computer I purchased from your upstanding company has not met my expectations. There are several things I really want my computer to do. For starters, I no longer want to have to wait on my computer. I think it is high time that my computer get a head start and stay ahead of the game.  In fact, I had time to write this letter while waiting on my computer.  All the waiting is getting pretty out of hand.

What’s all the memory for? If I’m not around, my computer should use its memory to keep on doing what I would do. Sure, I will stop by the office every once in awhile to check on things but there really shouldn’t be a need for me to tell my computer what to do every day. I do the same crap day in and day out. I want my computer to get a clue. “Git her done” as they say around these parts.

It would be nice if my computer took time to boot, reboot, or get new boots on its own time.  My boss certainly doesn’t pay me to change shoes during important task.  My computer has more boots then I know what to do with.  Maybe, you should equip it with running shoes to help it go faster and donate the damn boots to someone who needs them.

Also, I’m a little freaked out about my computer always having a hard drive and a pet mouse. I don’t want to know what it does with that mouse when I’m not around. Besides, isn’t it a little silly for such an advanced piece of equipment to take instructions from a mouse? I don’t want to have to touch that nasty little critter anymore.   In fact, I just want my computer to read my mind and figure out what to do next.

I want my computer to stop sharing bodily fluids with other computers or however the heck it manages to get so many viruses.  Being from the silicon valley, you would think the computer would come with condoms. Furthermore, can I get a non X rated version of the operating system? I think Windows XP has something to do with the promiscuous nature of my computer. A non X rated operating system might cut down on all the viruses.

I’m going to send my computer back as soon as it’s done rebooting. If you could be so kind as to upgrade it to whatever version has the aforementioned features, I would be most obliged.

Sincerely,

Wes Barnes

Images of people everywhere running, looting and chanting hit my retina. In the background fires burned out of control. The confusion was loud and the ambient noise was course. For a moment, I paused then I eagerly raced down the remote to every available channel. Each channel reflected the same message.  The people looked familiar. However, something was acutely different and slightly obscure. I couldn’t be certain but it looked like someone was attempting to hijack the signal. The delivery was distorted and choppy. The news coverage featured burning billboards and stacks of televisions on fire. People were boarding up their windows and doors to protect their possessions. It appeared that a mass hysteria had taken hold of the state of our union.

I was consumed immediately. Unable to move, I think I watched the revolution for days. I can’t tell all together how long I had been there in front of the tube before the signal finally became weak.  It’ seemed like days but it could have easily been years. I vaguely remember being a young boy when the revolution began. Now, I’m an adult and I can’t remember exactly when, where, or why it all started. I can no longer really taste, smell or feel my prior life.  It’s all photos and sounds of someone else’s reality. There are moments of illusive clarity stitched together with images of things I think I need; detergent, cutlery, music CDs, low carb beer.

In a momentary daze, the screen suddenly went blank.  A blank white screen appeared in front of me. Startled, I thought of all the stuff I would need to buy if the revolution continued for any length of time. I figured I could wait it out but something deep inside made me think I should move right away. Conflicted, I did nothing. I stared at the screen for hours. I became sad. I became angry.  I became withdrawn. I soon ran out of emotions and sat there numb. I began to think. I became enraged. I closed my eyes and began to sob. Secretly, I began plotting to join the revolution. I sat in the middle of the floor watching the white screen contemplating my revolt. Tears began to stream from the empty corners of my eyes. I still wanted the taste of that bright red soda pitched to me by the multi-colored cheerleaders. I still wanted that indispensable widget on the edible channel that would allow me to make gourmet pop-tarts. I still wanted to be all that I could be if only I consumed more of my broadcast self image.

I walked slowly over to the television and reached into the webbed darkness behind it. I pulled the plug. Instantly, the screen flashed and the chaos continued. For a moment the picture surged and blinked into darkness but then the delivery continued. The sounds got louder and the message became more erratic. I stood back slowly as the picture appeared to grow larger and larger. I tried to look away from the light but I couldn’t. Messages of corporate coffee, pop music and name brand laundry detergent echoed off the back of my conscience. I couldn’t be sure which products my television told me to buy and which were ideas of my own. The confusion and mixed messages obscured my perception and made my reception unclear. Everything I’d ever consumed appeared to be an intravenous commercial success.

I raced across the room to take hold of the TV. It was the size of a small bolder. I struggled to keep my eyes closed. I grappled and swayed. The weight of the TV seemed immense. I struggled to find a small weakness in the ivory pillar holding the mammoth crater. A momentary flash of kids playing outside invaded my mind only to be chased out by the thought of a content child sitting in front of the televised blue light grasping a game controller in dexterous mortal combat. I felt gravity start to pull the screen to the floor. I pushed harder. A lifetime of memories began to pass before my mind. The descent gained momentum and the sirens raged louder and louder. The goliath screen lit the floor. Only the image of a mushroom cloud would rival my triumph. The screen crushed under the immense weight of the techno-socio-economic avalanche. A piercing bright white light cut the room in half releasing a deafening screech. As the light withdrew back into the empty black box, the sirens and the flashing lights were sucked into the now vacant black hole.

I awoke suddenly grasping damp sheets. The room was dark yet dimly lit by a brief but continuous passing blue light on the television screen. I reached for the remote and turned off the TV.