I’m a lover. Yeah I know, sounds cute. But nah, it’s not puppy cute. I like puppies. I’m no puppy. As many of the beautiful women in my life know all too well, I’m the kind of lover that can’t tell them enough how much I love them. I lay it on thick like sugary honey golden-brown maple syrup rolling down a fictitious six stack of granny pancakes, topped with strawberries and nostalgia. Yes, I used the word sugary. My expressions of love will come in candy stripped staircases amidst rolling fields of bubble gum pink and marshmallow yellow edible flowers. Let the love flow from a vanilla chocolate mocha waterfall. For some, butterscotch is a flavor. For me, it’s a romance language. “93% perspiration, 6% electricity, 4% evaporation, and 2% butterscotch ripple… Oompa loompa doompadee doo.” Oh it’s delightful! Who wouldn’t eat that up? Well, at first anyway. The astute observer will notice that there is a key component missing from my candy factory napalm mixture above, yep – timing. See, while I can’t wait to lace her in cotton candy, I CAN and WILL contain my enthusiasm until the hours of, hmm… let’s say 12:30 a.m.’ish to 6:00 a.m.’ish. Love is timeless right?
This type of manual labor is tough without the right tools. Batman has his tool belt, both useful and novel. I have my iPhone, also both useful and novel. Isn’t modern technology grand? Technology has made things so convenient. It use to be that if a lovely lady wasn’t awake at say 4:30 in the morning, I’d have to call her back later. By which time, I’d have fallen asleep – like I said, it’s tough work. Now, I can get all those memorable thoughts (note the word memorable, we will come back to that in a bit) of a tireless lover delivered with all the fulfillment of immediate gratification. Mhmm, technology is amazing. I don’t know how I would complete my mission without it. I wonder if Batman has an iPhone in his tool belt.
Right, so let’s stop the tape there. Here’s the thing, my drunk texting/dialing is legendary. Oh yeah, it always seems like a good idea at the time. I mean, of course! No one regrets the decisions they make when they are drinking. They only regret them when they are sober. Alcohol is a fair weather friend like that. Further, it works out great when I miss a number in my contact list by not just one number but by an entire portion of the alphabet and end up texting Pete a sweet rambling four page love note. Yeah and the memorable part that I spoke about earlier, yup unlike me, Pete has a very good memory. I’m constantly reminded of that.
While technology is amazing, it never ceases to amaze me that engineers are always tackling really far out nerdy complex problems rather than the simple everyday ones or in this case, every Friday and Saturday night ones. Right now, there are a group of engineers working on a seventeen mile long atom smasher (Large Hadron Collider - see Wiki). Really? I mean why do we need a NASCAR track for atoms? How the hell are they gonna use that to sweet talk chics? Didn’t the nerds learn anything in high school? Anyway, for the longest time, I’ve had what I thought was a pretty simple problem to solve. Why doesn’t my cell phone come equipped with a Large Alcohol Content Collider? My iPhone is a marvel of telecommunications but it sucks at drinking. It’s bad enough it can’t hold down one beer without blacking out but worse than that, it’s not even a good DD (designated dialer).
So being a kind of pseudo engineer nerd type myself, I have developed the worlds first Large Alcohol Content Collider. I call it Drunken Readiness Oral Opulence Lifesaver or DROOL for short. It’s developed to withstand even the most persistent and relentless lover. It’s easy to install and very effective against the late night lover(s) in your life. Every girl needs one (or eventually will). Give it to the lover and/or ex-lovers in your life. As I have an iPhone and understand how compelling the App Store pricing model can be, I’m selling them for $1.99. You simply can’t beat it.
See the all new DROOL below…
