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Now where did I put that blog?
To those of you unfamiliar with blogging platforms, this entry will look like that indecipherable text you see on your blue screen of death. That being said, feel free to push the fast forward button here and skip to the last paragraph.
After years of using Movable Type to mange my blog, I have decided to move to WordPress. I should have migrated years ago however, it was considerably difficult to move my first blogging platform to Movable Type. Why move now? The decision to migrate to WordPress came down to a few things. First, making custom changes to Movable Type just wasn’t simple enough. It’s considerably easier to add a few lines of PHP code to files in WordPress. Second, WordPress has lots of third-party plugins. While there are a lot of cool plugins, large developer adoption is more important than the plugins themselves. Last, it took 20 minutes to switch, including importing/exporting data from Movable Type. I’m sure the merit of both platforms can be argued at length but I’ve been in technology long enough to know that if you want to create a robust platform, keep it simple, make it easily extensible and move fast.
Okay so, short story long – I will be moving the deck chairs around a bit. I will be re-releasing old entries and adding all the other content from my previous blog in the upcoming months. Stay tuned.
DROOL
I’m a lover. Yeah I know, sounds cute. But nah, it’s not puppy cute. I like puppies. I’m no puppy. As many of the beautiful women in my life know all too well, I’m the kind of lover that can’t tell them enough how much I love them. I lay it on thick like sugary honey golden-brown maple syrup rolling down a fictitious six stack of granny pancakes, topped with strawberries and nostalgia. Yes, I used the word sugary. My expressions of love will come in candy stripped staircases amidst rolling fields of bubble gum pink and marshmallow yellow edible flowers. Let the love flow from a vanilla chocolate mocha waterfall. For some, butterscotch is a flavor. For me, it’s a romance language. “93% perspiration, 6% electricity, 4% evaporation, and 2% butterscotch ripple… Oompa loompa doompadee doo.” Oh it’s delightful! Who wouldn’t eat that up? Well, at first anyway. The astute observer will notice that there is a key component missing from my candy factory napalm mixture above, yep – timing. See, while I can’t wait to lace her in cotton candy, I CAN and WILL contain my enthusiasm until the hours of, hmm… let’s say 12:30 a.m.’ish to 6:00 a.m.’ish. Love is timeless right?
This type of manual labor is tough without the right tools. Batman has his tool belt, both useful and novel. I have my iPhone, also both useful and novel. Isn’t modern technology grand? Technology has made things so convenient. It use to be that if a lovely lady wasn’t awake at say 4:30 in the morning, I’d have to call her back later. By which time, I’d have fallen asleep – like I said, it’s tough work. Now, I can get all those memorable thoughts (note the word memorable, we will come back to that in a bit) of a tireless lover delivered with all the fulfillment of immediate gratification. Mhmm, technology is amazing. I don’t know how I would complete my mission without it. I wonder if Batman has an iPhone in his tool belt.
Right, so let’s stop the tape there. Here’s the thing, my drunk texting/dialing is legendary. Oh yeah, it always seems like a good idea at the time. I mean, of course! No one regrets the decisions they make when they are drinking. They only regret them when they are sober. Alcohol is a fair weather friend like that. Further, it works out great when I miss a number in my contact list by not just one number but by an entire portion of the alphabet and end up texting Pete a sweet rambling four page love note. Yeah and the memorable part that I spoke about earlier, yup unlike me, Pete has a very good memory. I’m constantly reminded of that.
While technology is amazing, it never ceases to amaze me that engineers are always tackling really far out nerdy complex problems rather than the simple everyday ones or in this case, every Friday and Saturday night ones. Right now, there are a group of engineers working on a seventeen mile long atom smasher (Large Hadron Collider - see Wiki). Really? I mean why do we need a NASCAR track for atoms? How the hell are they gonna use that to sweet talk chics? Didn’t the nerds learn anything in high school? Anyway, for the longest time, I’ve had what I thought was a pretty simple problem to solve. Why doesn’t my cell phone come equipped with a Large Alcohol Content Collider? My iPhone is a marvel of telecommunications but it sucks at drinking. It’s bad enough it can’t hold down one beer without blacking out but worse than that, it’s not even a good DD (designated dialer).
So being a kind of pseudo engineer nerd type myself, I have developed the worlds first Large Alcohol Content Collider. I call it Drunken Readiness Oral Opulence Lifesaver or DROOL for short. It’s developed to withstand even the most persistent and relentless lover. It’s easy to install and very effective against the late night lover(s) in your life. Every girl needs one (or eventually will). Give it to the lover and/or ex-lovers in your life. As I have an iPhone and understand how compelling the App Store pricing model can be, I’m selling them for $1.99. You simply can’t beat it.
See the all new DROOL below…
Beer Whisperer
China (my dog) and I have been sampling a TV show on the National Geographic channel called Dog Whisperer. If you haven’t seen it yet, it’s about this guy named Hector Chavez. No wait, it’s Cesar. Yeah, Cesar Millan. Any rate, Cesar has this seemingly amazing ability to train people in the art of dog domination. Having grown up in a pack of wolves myself and having been dominated by a supreme alpha female, I would say domination is something I know a bit about. In my training or upbringing, domination always involved some amount of physical and psychological pain or trauma. Cesar might be painful to watch but I must admit, he has an ability to calmly make a difference in a person’s relationship with their subordinates.
I dare confess that I’m watching Cesar’s show in hopes of solving some of China’s nasty little dog habits. Well for example, I hope there is an episode that teaches me how to train China to smell better. She often smells like a mixture of peanut butter and corn chips. Or, maybe there is an episode on how to teach China to stunt her toe nail growth. Stunting growth might be too much to ask. But surely, I can’t be the only one with a disobedient little ungrateful dog that refuses to fetch a beer. That CANNOT be too much to ask since I slave to buy all household goods including PREMIUM DOG FOOD!
One thing is clear, Cesar spends less time fixing broken dogs than I spend clipping my toe nails. In episode after episode, Cesar teaches people one domination tactic – how to walk their dog. Yup, how to walk the freaking dog! Buddy has agoraphobia, take him for a walk. Matilda has an issue with attacking skate board wheels – take her for a walk. Teddy, has a small problem with running in non-stop Winston Cup circles when he spots a moving vehicle (by the way, probably the stupidest thing I have ever seen someone let their dog get away with) – take him for a walk. Does your dog has a problem with killing squirrels, dominating other pets, or a ball fetish? Just take them dog for a walk.
Despite the repeated warnings during each episode that stated, “Do not attempt these techniques at home without consulting a professional,” I decided to fix China with a domination walk. I attached her doggy bath tub to her collar, along with a pair of toe nail clippers and a six pack of beer and I took her for a walk. At first, she seemed a bit weirded out by all the noise and sparks of the tin tub resurfacing the pavement but every time she looked back at it, I firmly yanked her chain just as Cesar recommended. The walk was tiring and eventually we both stopped and had a beer. I think it was a capital K-9 success.
Last night, I watched another episode somewhat proud of what China had accomplished. I laughed as Maya, another disobedient dog, ate off the stove, dug in the flower bed, and nursed a kitten. Yes, someone’s pit bull mix was nursing a kitten. Yeah un-huh, probably more ridiculous than the NASCAR dog. But then it occurred to me that China now smelled like peanut butter, corn chips, and beer. What’s more, our domination walk hadn’t done anything for her gas. In fact, I think it was worse.
I think Cesar may be a false prophet. He may be teaching the owners a lot but the dogs are just following their owners’ lead. This led me to wonder how long China had been eating peanut butter and corn chips sandwiches. And now, thanks to Cesar, I have to share my beer. What kind of domination walk is going to cure that?
Posted in Mindless Chatter
Tagged beer, China, corn chips, Dog Whisperer, dogs, peanut butter
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I think I need a new computer.
There are a few things I don’t quite understand about my computer. Why do I have to wait on my computer? Shouldn’t my computer wait on me? Why does my computer need to reboot? When does it take off it’s boots? Why does my computer get viruses? Is there some sharing of bodily fluids I’m unaware of? Why does my computer have a hard drive? Is it always hard? That would be pretty impressive. Why does my computer have memory? What does it use memory for if I’m always the one that has remember to tell it what to do? Why does my computer have a mouse? Is it a pet? That’s creepy. Why do I have to spend all day in front of my computer? Isn’t it supposed to make my job easier? I think I need a new computer.
Dear Computer Manufacturer,
The computer I purchased from your upstanding company has not met my expectations. There are several things I really want my computer to do. For starters, I no longer want to have to wait on my computer. I think it is high time that my computer get a head start and stay ahead of the game. In fact, I had time to write this letter while waiting on my computer. All the waiting is getting pretty out of hand.
What’s all the memory for? If I’m not around, my computer should use its memory to keep on doing what I would do. Sure, I will stop by the office every once in awhile to check on things but there really shouldn’t be a need for me to tell my computer what to do every day. I do the same crap day in and day out. I want my computer to get a clue. “Git her done” as they say around these parts.
It would be nice if my computer took time to boot, reboot, or get new boots on its own time. My boss certainly doesn’t pay me to change shoes during important task. My computer has more boots then I know what to do with. Maybe, you should equip it with running shoes to help it go faster and donate the damn boots to someone who needs them.
Also, I’m a little freaked out about my computer always having a hard drive and a pet mouse. I don’t want to know what it does with that mouse when I’m not around. Besides, isn’t it a little silly for such an advanced piece of equipment to take instructions from a mouse? I don’t want to have to touch that nasty little critter anymore. In fact, I just want my computer to read my mind and figure out what to do next.
I want my computer to stop sharing bodily fluids with other computers or however the heck it manages to get so many viruses. Being from the silicon valley, you would think the computer would come with condoms. Furthermore, can I get a non X rated version of the operating system? I think Windows XP has something to do with the promiscuous nature of my computer. A non X rated operating system might cut down on all the viruses.
I’m going to send my computer back as soon as it’s done rebooting. If you could be so kind as to upgrade it to whatever version has the aforementioned features, I would be most obliged.
Sincerely,
Wes Barnes